LOVE LOST.....LESSON LEARNED

I found my x girlfriend from 20 years ago on facebook, we communicated. We argued, we accused, we brought up all the old hurts. And...in the end I apologized for things that I had done. I am glad that she forced my hand.....I have been asking God to let me find her for 2 decades so that I may apologize to her and to tell her how I felt. This is how I felt and some of what I said. "Cindy...I was an asshole, I wish you could have waited for me to grow up a little before you left, I have never loved harder or deeper or as much as I loved you....and still do." Every person can love more than once in their life, but everyone has that one true love that they feel incomplete without..... that person for me is Cindy, if I could live that part of my life over again, I would have married that girl and gave her some babies. You live and you learn...that's why we are here, what other reason could it be? For those of you who doubt my theory, stop......think about your own Cindy.......

LOVE

I have been recently thinking about love. What is love...the eternal question. Everybody craves to love and be loved, it is part of human nature, God..(whether you believe in God or not)has made human beings to love...to give love and to recieve love. What else could motivate 2 people to only be romantically involved with each other for life? What makes people lonely...lack of love! We had to have been made by a loving being to crave love like all humans do. Isolate a person from all human contact, even for a short time, and see how the person falls apart. Like it or not...we need each other...we need each others love. I think of my mom and dad and how sooner than later I will have to live without each of the love they give me and I well-up in tears. I think of a girl I loved so much who passed away and I get a feeling of longing in my stomach. But.....on the other hand, think of a person who you love and is with you right now...and all you think about is the future with them and their love, you become relaxed and you smile...their love makes you smile. The greatest philosophers of love are children....unbiased innocent views of love. Let me give you a few quotes of children on the topic of love. Love is "when my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands have arthritis too. That's love." And this quote from a 6 year old......Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings." How about this quote..."Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." And my favorite from a 5 year old girl......love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick-up where you left off when you reach heaven." And finally I think that anyone who has been together for a while can relate to this quote...."You have to fall in love to get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together." I think about the wars that go on between countries for the dumbest reasons...let some alien force from outer space come down here and start killing people of all nationalities and see how quick the people of all colors, nationalities and religions bond together for the common good of the existence of man on earth...all of the sudden, the arabs and israelies will be brothers in arms. My most simple but amazing example of love is when I was 23 years old....I loved a girl named Cindy Cole.....I used to love just the way that girl smelled...I even used to love breathing in her breath...her scent caused a reaction in my brain and heart of shear love...I could have breathed her in all day....she made me calm just by being there and smelling her beauty...God I can still smell her beautiful scent even now 2 decades later. So there you have it....LOVE the most beautiful four letter word in the world.

another day in the hood.

Well, here is a dose of reality for people that think that this stuff only happens in the movies or far away from them. I was walking down the street one rainy afternoon delivering mail on my route, when a pretty young black girl comes out of a local barber shop screaming in pain and holding her stomach. I run across the street darting around the traffic, car tires screaching to a halt and horns blasting at me from both directions. When I reach the girl, she passes out and falls to the ground just before I get to her. I ask her what is wrong, I shake her and and ask her again............no response! I check the pupils of her eyes, they are fixed and dialated, she is so young I wonder what the hell is wrong. I check her breathing, I feel no breath and do not see her chest rise or fall, no pulse either, this is not good. By this time a crowd has gathered, I yell for someone to call 911, nobody moves a muscle. Alot of these people are Hatians that are here in this country illegally and most do not trust the police. I have no time for this shit, and start CPR, all these people and nobody calls 911, I look at this beautiful young girl on the wet ground, puddles forming around her body and cannot believe these people, this girl is dying. I scream to call 911, finally a young white guy who owns a buisness across the street hears the commotion and comes over to see what's going on, hears me and calls 911. I'm still doing chest compressions and giving her breaths, but...........she's still not responding, I'm getting desperate and I'm talking to her, telling her to breathe for me, please......just fucking breathe! I hear the sirens in the background getting closer, I'm exhausted but I cannot stop. I think about who's little girl this is, how they will feel at her funeral, I think about her future, how pretty she is, not having the chance to see her life thru. Finally........I get a breathe, she starts to choke and vomit, I turn her on her side and let the vomit run out of her mouth, she gasps for air, she is alive. The ambulance arrives and I tell them what happened, they take over and ask her questions. This girl is Hatian and does not speak a word of english. I see a good looking young guy about this girls age standing at a distance and watching with concern, the worry is all over this kids face. Now I'm starting to add 1 and 1. I call the kid over and ask him if he speaks creole, he says that he does, I tell him to ask her what is wrong. The kid and this girl converse and the kid tells me that her stomach hurts and that she is in pain. Now I know exactly what's going on here.......I ask the kid if he knows her, he says yes, I say....is she pregnant......he answers yes she is. I tell the paramedics to get this girl to the hospital right now! She is going to hemmorage from a botched abortion, the paramedics realize that I'm in this hood every single day, so they get her out and start to the hospital as fast as they can. That kid came out of that barber shop, that barber shop is a back room abortion clinic, these people are poor and have no insurance, they are also illegal aliens, so that scumbag that owns the place is performing cut rate abortions in the back of the shop. I tell the kid to call her parents and tell them what happened and to get himself to the hospital to be with her. At that point, soaking wet...exhausted....pissed off........and just totally beat, I pick-up my mail bag and continue with my deliveries. I can only hope that the doctors call the police and interview the boyfriend and they shut that hell hole down once and for all. For those of you who wonder why I don't call the cops? I am in that hood every day, those guys make alot of money doing that shit, they could put a bullet in my head any time they want. I have to be careful, that doesn't make me feel better, but, I am more service to those people alive than dead. Anyway.......another day in the hood.

love

My former girlfriend who I loved and still do, called me to tell me that she loves me and that she means it, she really loves me and needs to see me. I put it off for a week then called her back to tell her that I was a little busy this week but how about next week? She agreed, when next week came, she called and left a message that she wants to see me and to call her back. I never did. 3 weeks later, her sister Lori called to tell me that the medical condition that my girl had, killed her. She died alone on 4-1-09. I was to busy working even though I had to drive by her apt. every day to go home. Ask yourself this question....How does it feel to be me, right now? I was going to put down the lesson learned, but it is there for you to see. Waves of hurt and regret wash over me. Now the question for me is...how do I deal with this? I hear my thoughts loud and clear....if only.......if only. When I think of Deborah..........................I always smile...I still have my memories. I will always remember.

I love you Deborah Friedlinghaus and will miss you

I quite often think about when I was a younger man. I am now getting older, although still a young guy. I think of why I am not married, why I have no children, why I still have to work for a living-I was a pro athlete, I'm supposed to be retired by now. Where did the money go? The older a man gets, the more he realizes that the money, the women, the hero worshipers, do not matter. The old saying "you can't take it with you" stands true. I have always believed in God, always asked him for the gift of faith, always asked him for help, knowing that he does hear. And now that I think back on my life at this piont, I realize God always answered my prayers. I grew up in the toughest projects in boston and frequently asked God to get me the hell out of here. He blessed me with a dad that worked three full time jobs to move us to the suburbs. I asked god to let me be the best boxer I can be. I won every boxing title in the state, and lost by one vote for the olympic trials in 1983, was on ESPN, boxing on t.v. I asked God to let me help mankind in some way. I became a mailman in a very poor section in boston and then florida, helping people in numerous and sometimes very different ways. I have asked God for more meaning to my life. He has made me aware of the quality of friendships, the love of another human being, the importance of family, how I cherish my nieces and nephews, mom and dad. I once knew the love of a good woman. I continue to learn, and am not too proud to admit my mistakes to anyone who will ask me and maybe learn from me. I have often said that I have lived the life of five people in my short time on this earth. I have done a lot-good and bad-and the one thing that I can tell everyone....what comes around goes around. That I have REALLY learned. Jesus put it another way, let's see if I get this right.....DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE DONE UNTO YOU, FOR WITH WHAT MEASURE YOU MEET, IT SHALL BE MEASURED BACK UNTO YOU. That is a rule to live by. In the end, and I mean the end, it isn't whether you are well educated, or have a great amount of money or power, have abused alcohol or drugs or have done steroids, or treated people wrongly, (let he who is without sin cast the first stone) It's did you learn enough from those experiences to change you as a human being, because you paid the price for your transgressions thru your life. But did it change you? Did it change you into a more compassionate human being, a more sincere person? Only the fool does not change...and that is the meaning of getting older...learning. For me, for now, I try to trust in God more than yesterday, because when I do, things turn out pretty well.

some comic relief in the cement jungle

As you all well know if you have read my last blog, I have delivered mail for two decades. My route was in a very tough neighborhood filled with housing projects. A lot of crime and human misery, tough to deal with day in and day out. But, there were times that were very comical, one such time I will now describe. There was an old lady, probably about 70 years old, she had a dog, the dogs name was William. This dog was what looked to me to be a miniature doberman, very small, I mean a very little dog. The old lady who I will call Marie, loved that little dog and thought that this dog would protect her from the drug addicts that were all over the hood, most of them were strung out and dizzy from the junk they were putting into their veins. Marie used to put the dog into a little push cart that the old ladys took to the supermarket, she would even wrap the dog in a blanket. Well let me say first that the people in the hood have great respect for the mailman, they really do, mailmen bring the people not only the checks they recieve from the state, but we watch out for those people that need it. Even the drug pushers respect that. Well anyway, I used to watch out for Marie and William, they were robbed before(thank God they were not hurt). As they walked into their development, a junkie named black came across the path of Marie and William. Now black was not really this junkies name, but, he was so dark that people called him by the name black. Black was a huge guy, I mean huge, 6ft 5inches tall 300lbs. The guy was mean as a back alley cat, very intimidating even to look at. You did not look black in the eyes because you were nervous even to pass by this dude. Well black was strung out and needed a fix, and he needed the shit now! So he stops Marie and tells her that he wants her money and starts to reach for her purse. Marie being the tough old lady that she was, starts to yell and scream at black, I look around the corner as I'm delivering the mail and see black trying to grab the purse of Marie. Now I'm dreading having to go up to black and stop him from robbing Marie, but I have no option, this sucks. As I start to walk up to intervene, Marie takes William the dog out of the push cart and tells William to get black. Don't forget, William is smaller than most of the rats in that hood, I'm not joking, I've seen cats bigger than this dog. Well William starts to bark, snarl and go after black. Black is backing up with his hands in the air like he is surrendering to the cops, as William the dog is snappimg at him and growling like a mad dog. William is going nuts and Marie is yelling for William to get 'im, black starts to high tail it out of the alley way running like hell with this tiny little dog chasing him out to the street. You have to picture this- 6ft-5inches and 300 pounds of the darkest blackness you've ever seen running down the street with a miniature doberman chasing after him from behind, the dog barking and black running for his life. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, I laughed like hell telling that story to every mailman in the city, I'm laughing to tears now. The cops catch up to black and arrest him, but not before they have to get Marie to get William off black. I'm busting a gut as I'm writing this. So there was some comic relief to this job of mine sometimes, that was one of them.

family life in the hood

I was a mailman for 20 years in a very bad inner city neighborhood, alot of crime and drugs. Being a mailman, you pretty much become like a piece of the scenery to people. Almost like your invisible, after all the people see you 6 days a week, day in and day out. With that being said, people will do things in front of you like commit a crime, like you were not even there! So needless to say, I've seen alot! Post traumatic stress disorder is real in the mailmans' life. Let me give you one example: I used to see this little 6 year old boy from the hood all the time, always out in front of his housing project, nice little boy. His mom was never around, had a little issue with crack. Well anyway, this kid I really liked, some kids you know are just destined to make out real well in this world, he was one of them. This kids name was daniel. Daniel was very smart, he could read a book and tell you about the book a year later like he just read it. Daniels mom just could not lay off the crack, owed money to every dealer in the hood, and sex was not going to pay the bills this time! One of the drug dealers was looking for daniels mom for quite a while, but, she was street wise and always one step ahead of this particular dealer. So finally the dealer decides to exact his revenge, only if he could not get Daniels mom, he would get the next best thing......Daniel. I was delivering mail on that sweltering summers day, when I see the dealer driving around the hood. Suddenly, a car swings around the corner on 2 wheels and starts firing a gun in my direction. Bam-bam-bam-bam, it sounded like a fucking cannon, I dove to the ground and rolled behind the dumpster. It felt like forever, but finally all was quite, I got up and looked around me, and that's when I seen him. It was daniel, bullet wounds all over his tiny little body, I knelt down beside him and took him into my arms. I could hear the sirens from the police in the distance. I could hear little Daniel struggling to breath, blood gurgling in his mouth. I told him to hold on, that he was going to make it to the hospital and that everything would be alright. Daniel kept asking for his mommy. I shouted for someone to get Daniels mom, fast! I knew in my mind that daniel was not going to make it, so I wanted him to see the one person who he really loved, his mom. Nobody could find Daniels mother in time. As daniel lay dying on that blood soaked street, he told me to tell his mother that he was sorry......then, very peacefully, Daniel took a long deep breath, exhaled, and died there wrapped in my arms. Daniels mom was passed out in a drug house when he died, she overdosed on drugs a month later. Daniel, I gave your mom the message..............and I miss you...............